On learning how to fight

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Rincy  Adam-045 A note: Firstly, a massive thank you to Adam for letting me share this here.  I knew when I came back to this site that I wanted it to be more reflective of all of the little things that come with the everyday- even the hard ones, the kind that foster growth time and time again.  So if you're like me who internalises a little too much in a relationship, or not the greatest at voicing an opinion - this may be the post for you.

I tend to avoid coflict.  A people pleaser by nature, it sort of comes with the territory.  But it leads to bottling a lot of emotions and in a relationship, especially with someone who doesn't bottle anything -  it can lead to some pretty interesting (or not so interesting, says me) arguments, to and fros, tense, upsetting moments.

He vocalises, I withdraw and being two very stubborn independent individuals who can sometimes find it hard to get out of the 'I'm always right , he's never wrong' mentality, it's taking time to learn how fighting/ arguing/ flat out just not seeing straight in a way that doesn't make me do all of the things I would normally do i.e. run, cry, call one of my girlfriends who will undoubtedly, without fail and very loyally side with me ;)
Rincy  Adam-042-2
But Adam does two things pretty consistently that help :
1) He apologies and then turns to me and says ''I'm not 100% at fault here though.''  And it's always true.  Act-reaction takes two people.  That single statement no matter how upset I am somehow grounds the situation for me.  Reminds me to get out of my angry bubble and see the bigger picture.

2)  He reminds me that an argument(s) doesn't cancel out all of the good things that we've created together.  Another reminder that both of us are really doing the best we can.  And that disagreements don't mean that any of that changes.
Rincy  Adam-043 I'm still not used to it but one thing I am learning is that even though we both may not be the most self-aware in the heat of the moment, if the other person raises the mirror- we're not afraid to look in it.

(Plus if you don't know it already, I sort of adore the bits off him.)

Also, this article  on the Huffington Post about the art of fighting was terrific.  Tempting to post so much of it here but found it unbelievably helpful on how to do it in a more nurturing way.

**A comment from Sally Anne after reading this post which made me laugh out loud: ''Mine is always to sort it out and say sorry! I have learnt to say it out straight, if it bothers me, rather than let it fester. Otherwise I conjure up a divorce plan mentally 😂😂 which really just translates into... I was angry at that moment! (Don't sweat the small stuff)!''

* Images by one of our favourites, Aga Maru 


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